Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My plans: 2020:
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Happy Taco Tuesday
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer