Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.