ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Everything reminds me of my ex
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”