I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time