Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
favorite tropes as memes
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?