My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
What’s a Messi?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Bootstraps
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence