Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry