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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary