Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!