When I snag the last meatball.
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.