cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My flabber has been gasted.