occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
You Might Also Like
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.