TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.