Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area