When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell