my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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He just like my cat fr
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.