Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
This kid will have a bright future.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”