*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs