My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*