Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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guys I’m going home
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Blew out my flip flop…
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.