velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…