My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold