#MeanwhileinCanada
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Mornin
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.