Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
You Might Also Like
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single