[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Birds & Planes.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?