[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*