If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
same energy
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now