When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
This is a sub tweet
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.