I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Saturday
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.