If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
There’s never enough good news
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Good news
ready to be harvested
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.