me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
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Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
why would tinder want me to say this
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”