*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.