riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
went fishing caught a bass
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.