Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
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As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
ibopfufen
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I am all good here, 😂😉