Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
“i miss shittin on people”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”