Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.