I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
moms in horror movies
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
*weighs self after shaving
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My hips? Compulsive liars.