My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”