uh oh
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The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Meat Cute
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Godspeed, John Glenn
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*