Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I feel it
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
me as a parent
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police