Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
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[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste