Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I have obtained a hat
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?