Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?