I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
can’t bark with your mouth full
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.