Spam popsicles.
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i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!