Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.