Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.