If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.