Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?