For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*